Breaking news: Bristol Bears are switching their derby game against Gloucester-Hartpury to the football ground, Ashton Gate, owing to “unprecendented demand”.
And this, despite the fact that head coach, Dave Ward, had given a strong hint that their new signing, Ilona Maher, would be unlikely to feature for a while. She’d need time to grow more accustomed to the rigours of Fifteens play.
How to satisfy customers’ expectations? Two answers:
1 She wil take part in a Q & A
2 She will deliver the match ball
The Q & A is open to all ticket-holders, but you may need to take a step-ladder to get a good view. I suspect asking an actual player to deliver the match ball is a new concept, unless perhaps when an injured favourite has been offered the privilege.
We have seen model cars transport the ball to the centre, even national presidents have taken the opportunity to boost their flagging support by escorting the ball to the referee. But an American superstar?
A new dawn has broken
Such is the price of fame. Then we must wonder: how many of the new applicants for tickets are rugby followers, and how many are followers of their latest idols on TikTok and Insta? Let’s hope that the result will be lots of new converts to the game.
For the PWR it means entering a new world, where celebrity counts for more than the oval ball itself. Will any youngster still be asking a parent: “Why isn’t Ilona playing?” It’s perfectly possible.
And will more permanent members of the league’s playing force manage to raise their social media following? For this seems to be the big breakthrough club authorities have been seeking. They have tried all sorts of ploys, such as giving a coming match a slogan, offering off-field entertainments, foregrounding a pre-match 3-course meal or, far more frequent, a long selfie and signing session post-match.
This Round Nine match has suddenly become the ‘Wild West Country derby’. We won’t ask how familiar Ilona is with the Wild West, but she may soon be receiving an offer from Hollywood executives to star in a new big-budget western. For the moment, we must assume the west in question is the more modest, but equally beautiful, West Country of England.
On their newish Rugby Rodeo Podcast, Ellie Kildunne and Jess Breach wondered why Ilona hadn’t already asked to take part. It can’t happen too soon. ‘Rodeo’ – hmm, I spot a recurring feature here.
Meantime officials at Bears’ headquarters will be checking over each other’s talent pool to see who shows the greatest aptitude at publicity.
All that remains is for the squad to do the necessary and see off the serious threat that is coming from west Gloucestershire. That’s where we come crashing back to stark reality.
Oh, and TNT have wisely chosen this match to cover live. I wonder if we’ll be offered viewing figures.
